Have No Doubt

I learned a vital lesson in the last few months - when Doubt rears its ugly head, hit it with a Mack Truck. A few months ago when I finally got my MFA, I was channeling James Cagney and felt like I "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" All that hard work and borrowed money felt justified. I was so proud of what I learned and the connections I made. That pride and confidence faded fast when faced with the real world. Graduating with idealistic views in a time of economic turmoil is harsh. I knew things would not be easy but I am usually energized by challenge. Recently I have started to feel beat down by the job hunt. The amount of time I spend searching for a job feels like a full-time position. The plethora of resumes and cover letters that I have sent into the Internet black hole is almost unfathomable. The feeling you get after sending out over 25 resumes a week with no response, or fake responses, is Doubt.

Am I smart enough? Do I know the right people? Will I ever be able to pay off my student loans? How can I repay my parents for all the extra help they have given me? Will my brain turn into mush if I don’t use it? Who is really in my corner?

When these inevitable questions enter your mind like a long lost friend, SHUT THEM DOWN. Things are hard right now but they have been hard before. You are smart. There are just a lot of other smart people out there looking for a break too. I have decided to embrace the challenge not just by alcohol and denial, but also by creating something from my struggle. I am starting a blog focused solely on my struggles to find a job in this economy. I will be featuring my own thrilling story as well as stories of others battling the same demons. Please let me know if you are willing to share.

Ladies Just say NO to the Age of Anxiety

I have tackled this topic before in my blog (see my June posting).

Why are we different?

After having a lunch yesterday with one of my best friends (Rin, who coined the term “Age of Anxiety”) I feel it needs revisiting.

Society makes women feel like they MUST have a man and be married, or close to it, by the ripe age of 30.

We must want children. If not - there is something wrong with us.

If you live your life manless, you are somehow in complete.

None of these societal shackles exist for men. For men, being a bachelor is cool, exciting, and even a little exotic. They are considered free and by most women a “good catch.”

I am not some kind of feminazi - just a person with common sense.

Why can’t certain women be alone?

I feel confident in the fact that I may meet someone and fall madly in love. I also accept the fact that I might not. My happiness does not, and should not, depend on if I am part of a couple.

Why are women seen as broken if they are not attached?

I have known so many women who have fallen into this trap. “I am 30 and I can’t be alone. I want children. Let me date a 'nice' guy who has some money who would be a good father. I like the person just fine, so I might as well.”

I refuse to settle. I know there are many different kinds of love and passion fades, but it must be there in the beginning. I might be choosing a life as a crazy cat lady but at least I am choosing a happy fulfilled life on my own terms.

RIP Mighty Whitey my 88 Corolla

This Eulogy is over, considering Mighty died October 17th.

Mighty Whitey, 21, beloved car and friend (Sadly no picture was found).

In Larkspur, CA, on October 17, 2009, Mighty Whitey, a.k.a Captain Many Trips, died in the parking lot of Bed Bath & Beyond. Although most cars are referred to with feminine pronouns, Mighty was definitely a male car. This happened mostly because his second owner, Rachel named him after Jerry Garcia. Her parents purchased the car right before her 16^th birthday from the Penny Saver. Before even getting her license, Rachel began placing multiple stickers on Captain’s rear.

There was never really an accurate count but in the end, although some faded, Mighty had an estimated 25 stickers or so. He was a great first car, full of pep and low mileage. Rachel remembers fondly the first time she took him on the highway. She drove her best friend Cathy home over the Tappanzee Bridge, windows open, blasting The Who, and fearing the two trucks in the surrounding lanes. There were countless memories and friends in NY for Mighty.

When Rachel outgrew the East Coast and traveled to California, Mighty came with her. He didn’t drive cross-country but was shipped out to San Francisco. Once he arrived there, he was driven to his new home in sunny Santa Barbara. He loved the warm weather and some of his rust from the years of snow subsided. He made many trips to Los Angeles, San Diego, and San Francisco. He received his new name from Rachel’s college roommate for multiple reasons.

When Rachel moved to the Bay Area, he was still her number one car for a few years. Then, into his Golden Years, parts started breaking. His visor got stuck, gearshifts malfunctioned, and he had other problems. He was replaced by the Batmobile and reduced to a 2^nd car that took her Mom to drive to the bus. Although his role in the family became limited, he was loved. The family mourns his loss but knows that after 16 years of use, he owes them nothing. RIP Mighty Whitey, you will be missed.

Rachel’s Bizzaro Summer Concert series Part 4 & 5

I realize that these summer concert reviews are a little late and out of order. Life has been so complicated lately that I haven't had the time to write. This is probably why I feel so unbalanced. Writing is my favorite form of therapy - that, and drinking wine. Back to business.

Concert # 4 Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson @ Harvey's Outdoor Arena

This show was an interesting one. I have seen Dylan before and it's always a crapshoot. I have seen him shine and I have seen him bomb. This particular night he sounded like a duck. The music he played was mostly new stuff that I had no clue about. The instrumental part was great. His voice was full of slurs and VERY hard to understand. For the encore, he did Like a Rolling Stone. And even though I know every word to this song, it was completely muddled. Everyone was complaining. On the other hand Willie (who I am not a huge fan of) sounded crystal clear. I was impressed with his entire set. Luckily, these tickets were free and I had a great time anyway. I heard from a friend that 2 weeks later they saw him in Berkeley and he was amazing. I am not surprised.

Concert # 5 The Killers @ Shoreline

This will be final review and the last show I saw this Summer/Fall. This was my fourth time seeing The Killers live, and this review is totally biased. They are one of my favorite bands. I have seen them on every stage. The first show I saw was at the Joint in Vegas during the Hot Fuss Tour. That was an amazing show but Brandon Flowers hadn't really become a performer yet. He was shy and awkward. The next time I saw them was for the Sam's Town tour @ the Bill Graham. That show was decent, but the acoustics of the place made all the distorted songs hard to hear. The third time was at San Jose State. That was a great show. Sweaty, raw, fun, and loud. A true general admission tour.

This fourth time was an entirely different experience. We had VIP tickets. It felt like the time I flew first class cross-country and you had great food, drink, and fresh baked cookies. Then, when you fly coach you can smell those cookies but know they are not for you, it sucks. We had VIP parking, so we didn't have to park in the dirt ditch where all the bodies are buried. Then we had passes to the VIP terrace. That is where the free food and drinks were. They had a Vegas style buffet with an amazing spread and free beer and wine. Our seats were 8 rows back. The sound and energy was first rate. My moment of glory came in the middle of the show during the song Bling. Brandon Flowers, the hottest Mormon ever, came into the crowd to be "touched". The sweet Australian guy sitting next to me picked me up and pushed me to the front of the row. Low and behold, Mr. Flowers stopped right in front of me and climbed up on the chair to sing. I touched his leg for about 5 minutes. It was probably the best five minutes I've had in a long time. All in all the 4th time was the best for me. I don't think I will be able to see in them again. Once you have flown first class it's hard to go back to coach.

Rachel’s Bizzaro Summer Concert series Part 3

Show # 3 Poison and Def Leppard @ Shoreline

Some of you may wonder how come I am not embarrassed to list this one but I will never hide from my Glam Rock past. In the mid 80’s when many of my friends were listening to New Kids on the Block, Debbie Gibson, and Tiffany, I was cranking up Poison, Motley Crew, Bon Jovi, Guns & Roses, Skid Row, Warrant, Cinderella and Def Leppard. Most people who know me well are aware that my first real concert was the Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet Tour. I was 9. My mom took my brother and I and I distinctly remember her getting into a fight with some teenage terra in the ladies bathroom and being called an old hag.

Anyway the last time I saw Poison and Def Leppard I was in 8^th grade. So this present day experience was extremely different. I got drunk on cheap beer and had a kick ass time. I was surrounded by an odd crowd part old rockers, part late 20’s early 30’s, and many trailer park whiskey tango people dressed in beaters. The show itself was fun. Poison only played for an hour, which surprised me. They played all the old favorites: Talk Dirty to Me, Fallen Angel, Unskinny Bop (what a ridiculous song) and Every Rose. Big John came on stage to film stuff for the troops. Bret Michaels seems to be fixated on 2 things slutty women and the armed forces. Go figure. We missed Cheap Trick because parking was crazy.

Def Leppard rocked hard. They still sound great and put on a good visual show. Joe Elliot had laryngitis but still belted out the lyrics with presence. I still think Rock of Ages is one of the best rock songs from this genre. A good time was had by all and I was glad not to be driving home.

Rachel’s Bizzaro Summer Concert series Part 2

Show # 2 Counting Crows @ The Greek Theatre

Yes I am obsessed with the 90’s. I have seen the Counting Crows several times but this show was different for a few reasons. I have never seen them at the Greek before and I was really close. This show was great the sound, the crowd, and the free booze (thank you Visa Signature Card). We also had a front row seat to see a drunken White Trash fan (who was sitting in front of us) walk on stage and be carried out by security. Before the show started the drunk tatted wife beater owner said he was going to get back stage. We didn’t believe him but he did better he just walked on stage and put his arm around Adam for about 2 seconds before he was carried out and banned from the Greek. Now that’s entertainment.

Rachel’s Bizzaro Summer Concert series

Even though this summer I may have been poor and pining for a job, I got to see a few shows and each of them rocked in a totally eclectic type of way.

Show # 1 No Doubt @ the Sleep train Pavilion

Flash back to 1995 just finished high school, completely boy crazy, and I liked to use Manic Panic. I think maroon was my color of choice at that time. The one CD that played so much in my budget CD player that it began to skip was Tragic Kingdom. I remember dancing around my room in my micro mini tank top singing badly at the top of my lungs, “I’m Just a Girl.” I never went to see No Doubt back then so getting the chance to see them now was a high school dream come true. The show was incredible. The live energy was contagious and the crowd was well rounded. There were a few Tweens who came for Paramore because they had that song in Twilight. Overall I had a great time with good friends and didn’t feel too old in fact I felt like I was in HS again.