Days pass, weeks pass, months pass, and then you blink and somehow a year has passed. How come everything still looks the same outside, inside, at work, at home? You get up each morning and embrace your routine. The morning coffee, the quick shower before work, turning on your computer and answering all the emails and ims, people need you. They have questions, concerns, and problems for you to solve. You are grateful, you feel useful, you bury yourself in work. The pain and grief, they move through you and then become less bright, more like a dull pain. A void or an ache in the back of your mind.
He’s gone. Been gone a year now. His passing was tough, a blur even but his end, that was the hardest part. You move past the reality of those last 6 months. You know that no one can truly understand that hell, unless they lived it. You fast forward the last few years, where his mind was not his. You feel for anyone who is living this reality now. So many are affected by that cruel disease. Summer used to be a time I cherished and looked forward to but his birthday and death day have changed that.
You live through the darkness and you remember the good things. Things like how his smile could light up any room and the fact that he loved to be in all the pictures, even ones where you kind of wanted just to take in the scenery. I think about the way his voice would crack when he would talk about how proud he was of me. I think about how there are so many things now he will never see or know. How does everything still look the same without him? This morning when I made my bagel and lox I thought about him sitting in his spot at the dining room table each weekend enjoying the same. A spot that remains vacant out of habit, fear, and respect. I close my eyes, think of him, and smile because I know how lucky I am. I am lucky to have known him and thankful that we repaired our relationship as adults and were close. I am blessed that nothing was left unsaid.
I hate that he missed out on watching the Warriors this season. How he would have loved to see Clay back in action, a Poole Party, and Steph finally getting his Finals MVP! He would have relished every round of the NBA Finals this year and been over the moon that we won! This year felt so important when we won because I felt like we won for him. I could almost feel him grinning from ear to ear and toasting our victory!
Last week, we had the unveiling. It’s really a beautiful Jewish tradition. Waiting a year to have a headstone, when those that loved you can get some perspective and come to terms with what life looks like without the one they lost. I felt like we honored him and gave him a more proper send off. I planted that championship flag next to him where it belongs. We Believe forever, Daddy Warbucks! Each day things get easier but the void will be there always. I miss him everyday but will live my life to honor him. Every time I drink a glass of Pinot, eat a delicious meal, or watch the Warriors, he is with me. I keep the good memories close to my heart and breathe through the hard ones.
