Ode to Luke Perry

Ode to Luke Perry

I know it’s been over a week since Luke’s sudden death and I am sure folks are sick of hearing about him BUT too bad. His untimely passing hit me hard and I am just now sorting out why I am so torn up. Like many women my age, Dylan McKay was my first TV crush, but he was more than that, he was my junior year of high school. He had a smile that could light up a room and a kind heart overshadowed by his bad boy image.

Let me explain better. Like many others, I watched 90210 religiously when I was in high school. I met my first love at the exact same time Brenda Walsh met hers. Sure, my first love looked nothing like Dylan, but he embodied some of the same traits. His name was Brian and I fell hard for him. He was a deadhead, a bad boy with a heart of gold. He drove a BMW. He struggled with his relationship with his father and intimacy. Although not my first sexual experience, I literally went through a lot of the same cheesy trials and tribulations that Brenda did with Dylan. I struggled with understanding how intense my feelings could be for this one person so quickly. I defended him when needed to the outside world. Something inside him was already broken (much like Dylan) and it took him a little longer to really show and share his true feelings with me. I contemplated when to have sex with this person, that I felt I truly loved.

When you are 16, everything feels like life and death. You vent to your close girlfriends about everything you think and feel about your first love. Brenda confided in Kelly Taylor (who I truly never forgave, even though the show did their best to make her the hero, once Shannen Dohery was pushed out). Brenda told it all to Kelly and trusted that her heart and problems were safe with her best friend. I did the same with my best friend at the time Maria. Like Brenda, I transferred into a new school and quickly became really intensely close with Maria. Similar to the show, Brian and I had a brief separation during one tragic summer. He went out to California to visit family and came back a distant, different, person. I was devastated and cried and confided in my best friend, Maria. We stayed up all night talking on the phone, even when I no longer made sense because I was crying so hard. She was trying to help me understand what could have happened. I really did not have a clue. How could he love me one minute and not the next? What did I do wrong?

What happened was Maria and Brian got together. Not only did they hook up but then they proceeded to date for an entire year, while I had to watch. At the same time, Dylan and Kelly hooked up and left Brenda in the dust (and were together for the rest of HS and then some). Needless to say, I identified with Brenda and really felt her pain. This show felt so real to me, despite the cheesy dialogue and the weekly lessons. Now back to Luke Perry…

Despite my heartbreak, I still had love for Luke. I watched 90210 after Brenda left but never felt the same about it. However, as I grew up, I learned to separate fact from fiction (well most of the time anyway). Don’t get me started on GOT! I watched Luke Perry grow up, do other things, like OZ and some independent films. There was always a lightness about him. A real guy who had substance, led a private life, outside of the Hollywood scene. Raised a family and brought happiness wherever he went. When I started watching Riverdale, I was pleasantly surprised to see him come full circle. Now he was the dad. Not the dick kind of judgy dad that Jim Walsh was but an understanding chill dad. Ironically, watching Riverdale proves just how old I am. If I was a Hollywood actor, I would be getting the mom roles right about now. I love the fact that Skeet Ulrich, Luke Perry, and Madchen Amick are the parents (shout out to Scream and Twin Peaks fans everywhere)! Point being, I was so happy to see Luke again and from a different perspective. I am so sad that he is gone from this world too soon. I know that his light is shining over his family and friends. His lightness of being, lives on along with his kindness. I will miss you Luke! Thank you for being my first. RIP buddy!

2019...A New Chapter

It’s New Year’s Day and I am sitting here at my computer reflecting on 2018. This morning I looked through my social media feeds and saw everyone’s top nine and well wishes for the New Year. Feels like this year has been amazing for some and difficult for others. For those that rocked 2018, count your blessings. 

For me, this year has been one of the hardest I’ve had to face in my adult life. It’s been a year of growth and knowledge but also a year of darkness and depression. I have struggled for the last 20 years with depression and anxiety. It’s not a secret but something I should talk about more but don’t. Maybe I still fear the stigma around it or maybe it’s just too painful to broadcast out to the world.

To be fair the cards were stacked against me this year. The fallout from the end of 2017, where I lost almost everything that was important to me, still overwhelmed me. I lost my job, my home, and my independence.

I had to move back in with my folks and felt like crap. Moving back with your folks at any age is not an easy task. Compound that with having my two fur babies with me and a father who’s been diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s. My house is chaotic and I’ve done my best to adjust. We take each day as it comes and try as hard as we can to keep in the present. We live day to day and count to 10 when things seem like they are too much. We cherish the moments of clarity and laugh at things we probably shouldn’t. With so much weight on us, some lighthearted dark humor goes a long way. People close to me fear asking about my family situation and I can understand that. “How are you doing?” may seem like a simple question but to us it as complex as it gets.

A part from the family drama, my depression reared its ugly head big time this year. I felt worthless and polarized by defeat. The abrupt end of my last job left its scars deep. Depression is an exhausting condition. To me it feels like learning to surf. You try as hard as you can to get up on that board and just when you make it and try to stand up, a huge wave knocks you underwater. Some days I had to force myself to get out of bed and look for work.

Through all this darkness a light sparked for me over the summer. I got involved with an organization with a mission that spoke to my soul. I took a job mostly out of necessity that somehow blossomed into a passion. Camp EDMO is a non-profit on a mission to help raise curious, courageous and kind kids. Their camps and after school programs instill STEM skills and foster social, emotional, and intellectual intelligence in all children. In a time where our country feels divided and uncertain, investing in our future (our children) and working with like-minded individuals is the best way to fight back. I have never been so proud to start a full-time position with any organization!

So, screw you 2018, I am starting a new chapter. One filled with hope, life, and love. I am thankful for all the folks that supported me through this hard year (you know who you are). I know this new year will be challenging but I am certain that at least some of those challenges will be good ones. Stay tuned to hear more…