We Believe Forever, Daddy Warbucks

 Days pass, weeks pass, months pass, and then you blink and somehow a year has passed. How come everything still looks the same outside, inside, at work, at home? You get up each morning and embrace your routine. The morning coffee, the quick shower before work, turning on your computer and answering all the emails and ims, people need you. They have questions, concerns, and  problems for you to solve. You are grateful, you feel useful, you bury yourself in work. The pain and grief, they move through you and then become less bright, more like a dull pain. A void or an ache in the back of your mind. 

He’s gone. Been gone a year now. His passing was tough, a blur even but his end, that was the hardest part. You move past the reality of those last 6 months. You know that no one can truly understand that hell, unless they lived it. You fast forward the last few years, where his mind was not his. You feel for anyone who is living this reality now. So many are affected by that cruel disease. Summer used to be a time I cherished and looked forward to but his birthday and death day have changed that.

You live through the darkness and you remember the good things. Things like how his smile could light up any room and the fact that he loved to be in all the pictures, even ones where you kind of wanted just to take in the scenery. I think about the way his voice would crack when he would talk about how proud he was of me. I think about how there are so many things now he will never see or know. How does everything still look the same without him? This morning when I made my bagel and lox I thought about him sitting in his spot at the dining room table each weekend enjoying the same. A spot that remains vacant out of habit, fear, and respect. I close my eyes, think of him, and smile because I know how lucky I am. I am lucky to have known him and thankful that we repaired our relationship as adults and were close. I am blessed that nothing was left unsaid.

I hate that he missed out on watching the Warriors this season. How he would have loved to see Clay back in action, a Poole Party, and Steph finally getting his Finals MVP! He would have relished every round of the NBA Finals this year and been over the moon that we won! This year felt so important when we won because I felt like we won for him. I could almost feel him grinning from ear to ear and toasting our victory!

Last week, we had the unveiling. It’s really a beautiful Jewish tradition. Waiting a year to have a headstone, when those that loved you can get some perspective and come to terms with what life looks like without the one they lost. I felt like we honored him and gave him a more proper send off. I planted that championship flag next to him where it belongs. We Believe forever, Daddy Warbucks! Each day things get easier but the void will be there always. I miss him everyday but will live my life to honor him. Every time I drink a glass of Pinot, eat a delicious meal, or watch the Warriors, he is with me. I keep the good memories close to my heart and breathe through the hard ones.

Party of Three

It’s been a long time since I have written in this blog. Part of that has been time and energy and part of that has been me desperately trying to gather the emotional and physical strength to write about my dad. It’s been just over 4 months since he passed away and I am just now able to sort through all the feelings involved in dealing with his death. His death was not sudden because he’d been battling sickness for years. BUT never in a million years did I think I would have a front row seat to watch his end of life journey. As a result of this intimate view of his demise, I found it almost impossible to separate his end of life from his life. I am not just starting to see past the trauma and remember the guy behind it. I started to write this blog in September but became overwhelmed with emotion and quit. Today, just a few days after my first birthday without him, I conjured the power of Gryffindor and put on his Warriors sweatshirt to start writing again.

I am at the point now where the immediate trauma was triaged and now there’s just a permanent pain in my gut when I think of him. So much has already happened that I would have told him or shared with him. Every time I watch a Warriors game, I think of him and miss him. Can’t believe they are good again and Steph broke the three-point record and he missed it! He would love the new young guys tearing it up. He would have celebrated right alongside me when my second favorite Warrior, Iggy came back. We had Thanksgiving without him. How he loved to go back for seconds and thirds and the house was always full of his West Coast family. This year we dreaded it. We did not know what to do. How could we have become a party of three? Luckily, we invited Christopher, our neighbor over to sit in his seat. It was quiet and lovely.

We celebrated Hanukkah without him and now my birthday has passed. We skipped the birthday dinner picture this year because it felt wrong. I am really starting to come into my own professionally and he will never know. I know he was proud of me in the end but he will never see my future success. That is the part that I can’t wrap my brain around. Jewish Christmas is around the corner and I feel unsure about how that will feel along with Jon’s birthday and the New Year. They say the firsts are the worst and it gets easier to deal with the feelings around the holidays. I hope that is true. I still can’t listen to a single song from the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album but Tom Petty and Billy Joel have made it back into the mix. I also can’t listen to The Big Chill soundtrack yet. We played so much music for him in the end and I know that was a good thing but now those tracks act as triggers.

All I can say now is I am trying and I hurt less. I miss him though every day. I have a pic from the good ole days hanging on my wall and the memorial board is hanging in the dining room where his hospital bed once awkwardly sat. During this surreal time I really discovered who my true friends were. They are not always the people you expect. It’s a shitty club to be in the one where you’ve lost a parent but those folks who supported me and lifted me up when I was down will never be forgotten! I never used to pray. Always thought of myself as more spiritual and not religious. That’s changed now. I talk to him sometimes and it gives me solace. Besides my dad I lost a few friends as well in the last 2 years. I talk to them too sometimes. I Imagine a space where they are all hanging out and at peace. Before anyone reading this blog starts to worry about my sanity I will end it here for now. Just know that I will be ok and am still adjusting to what life looks like as a party of three and miss what life felt like as a party of four.

This is the photo that is hanging up in my room!

Venting and sharing some silver linings...

Hello virtual world. It’s been a while since I have had the emotional strength to write anything. We are all just trying to survive in a world that has been turned upside down. If you told me a few months ago that TP, tissues, and paper towels would be worth more than gold, I would have laughed in your face. In the last 2 months, entire industries have been crushed, millions of hard working people have lost their jobs (including me) and everyone is being forced to shelter in place with their “loved” ones, which for some raises even more challenges. I have been living my life kind of like the Serenity Prayer, without the addiction and the god part (although I may be addicted to Netflix now). I am trying to accept the things I cannot change, like not being able to go anywhere, see my friends, or know if I will get my job back. I have been trying to keep my anxiety and depression from taking over, which has been an uphill battle for the last 20 years. I have been trying to help support my mom, who is a caregiver for my Dad who has Alzheimer's. I am trying to change the things I have control over, like exercising when I can and enjoying the little things in life. Small pleasures like a piece of homemade cake, the silly things my fur-babies do every day, and binge watching old episodes of shows that take me to a nostalgic happy place. I have been volunteering at my job, learning new skills, and helping to support a mission that I still believe in. Most importantly, I have been trying to laugh at least once a day which brings me to this blog post. Now that I have kind of depressed you all I hope I can get you back with some laughs. I want to focus on silly things right now because otherwise I may lose my mind.

Below are 5 silver linings that I have found so far while sheltering in place.

#5: Wearing leggings as pants is no longer a fashion faux pas

In fact there are no more fashion crimes at all. You can wear or not wear what you want. The only people who see you are your family, the delivery guy, or if you are still working remotely, you just need to worry about your top half (pants optional)!

#4: Ordering too much take out is now smiled upon instead of frowned upon

Maybe some of you used to get that judgmental look when you ordered a ton of take out to just sit on your coach and binge watch TV on a Saturday Night. Now it’s the new norm. Hopefully you all are supporting local businesses and ordering food to eat while you watch way too much TV.

#3: You don’t have to feel guilty about bitching at or about your family

You have been stuck inside with your family for more than a month now. You love them but come on, humans are not supposed to be together 24/7. Everyone has snapped at some point and it is totally socially acceptable. Luckily, they love you unconditionally, so go ahead and be crabby. It’s more than ok at this point.

#2: Being a couch potato is cool now

Even the beautiful celebs are doing it as they post on social media telling us normal folks never to leave the house. It’s now trending to binge watch whatever you want. Whether it’s Tiger King or something nostalgic like Gilmore Girls, Buffy, or Supernatural (my personal favs).

# 1: It’s ok now for me not to date

I can’t tell you the pressure a single gal my age gets about not obsessing over meeting the guy of her dreams. I am so tired of dating sites and my friends and family pushing me to put myself out there. I may be the last single and fabulous gal out there but I am fine with that. Now if I was to date, I am not even sure what that would look like. Going for a neighborhood walk in a mask, while remaining 6 feet a part. I think I’d rather stay home and watch Netflix with my fur-babies. Stay safe and healthy out there. Remember, to try and laugh at least once a day!

Ode to Luke Perry

Ode to Luke Perry

I know it’s been over a week since Luke’s sudden death and I am sure folks are sick of hearing about him BUT too bad. His untimely passing hit me hard and I am just now sorting out why I am so torn up. Like many women my age, Dylan McKay was my first TV crush, but he was more than that, he was my junior year of high school. He had a smile that could light up a room and a kind heart overshadowed by his bad boy image.

Let me explain better. Like many others, I watched 90210 religiously when I was in high school. I met my first love at the exact same time Brenda Walsh met hers. Sure, my first love looked nothing like Dylan, but he embodied some of the same traits. His name was Brian and I fell hard for him. He was a deadhead, a bad boy with a heart of gold. He drove a BMW. He struggled with his relationship with his father and intimacy. Although not my first sexual experience, I literally went through a lot of the same cheesy trials and tribulations that Brenda did with Dylan. I struggled with understanding how intense my feelings could be for this one person so quickly. I defended him when needed to the outside world. Something inside him was already broken (much like Dylan) and it took him a little longer to really show and share his true feelings with me. I contemplated when to have sex with this person, that I felt I truly loved.

When you are 16, everything feels like life and death. You vent to your close girlfriends about everything you think and feel about your first love. Brenda confided in Kelly Taylor (who I truly never forgave, even though the show did their best to make her the hero, once Shannen Dohery was pushed out). Brenda told it all to Kelly and trusted that her heart and problems were safe with her best friend. I did the same with my best friend at the time Maria. Like Brenda, I transferred into a new school and quickly became really intensely close with Maria. Similar to the show, Brian and I had a brief separation during one tragic summer. He went out to California to visit family and came back a distant, different, person. I was devastated and cried and confided in my best friend, Maria. We stayed up all night talking on the phone, even when I no longer made sense because I was crying so hard. She was trying to help me understand what could have happened. I really did not have a clue. How could he love me one minute and not the next? What did I do wrong?

What happened was Maria and Brian got together. Not only did they hook up but then they proceeded to date for an entire year, while I had to watch. At the same time, Dylan and Kelly hooked up and left Brenda in the dust (and were together for the rest of HS and then some). Needless to say, I identified with Brenda and really felt her pain. This show felt so real to me, despite the cheesy dialogue and the weekly lessons. Now back to Luke Perry…

Despite my heartbreak, I still had love for Luke. I watched 90210 after Brenda left but never felt the same about it. However, as I grew up, I learned to separate fact from fiction (well most of the time anyway). Don’t get me started on GOT! I watched Luke Perry grow up, do other things, like OZ and some independent films. There was always a lightness about him. A real guy who had substance, led a private life, outside of the Hollywood scene. Raised a family and brought happiness wherever he went. When I started watching Riverdale, I was pleasantly surprised to see him come full circle. Now he was the dad. Not the dick kind of judgy dad that Jim Walsh was but an understanding chill dad. Ironically, watching Riverdale proves just how old I am. If I was a Hollywood actor, I would be getting the mom roles right about now. I love the fact that Skeet Ulrich, Luke Perry, and Madchen Amick are the parents (shout out to Scream and Twin Peaks fans everywhere)! Point being, I was so happy to see Luke again and from a different perspective. I am so sad that he is gone from this world too soon. I know that his light is shining over his family and friends. His lightness of being, lives on along with his kindness. I will miss you Luke! Thank you for being my first. RIP buddy!

2019...A New Chapter

It’s New Year’s Day and I am sitting here at my computer reflecting on 2018. This morning I looked through my social media feeds and saw everyone’s top nine and well wishes for the New Year. Feels like this year has been amazing for some and difficult for others. For those that rocked 2018, count your blessings. 

For me, this year has been one of the hardest I’ve had to face in my adult life. It’s been a year of growth and knowledge but also a year of darkness and depression. I have struggled for the last 20 years with depression and anxiety. It’s not a secret but something I should talk about more but don’t. Maybe I still fear the stigma around it or maybe it’s just too painful to broadcast out to the world.

To be fair the cards were stacked against me this year. The fallout from the end of 2017, where I lost almost everything that was important to me, still overwhelmed me. I lost my job, my home, and my independence.

I had to move back in with my folks and felt like crap. Moving back with your folks at any age is not an easy task. Compound that with having my two fur babies with me and a father who’s been diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s. My house is chaotic and I’ve done my best to adjust. We take each day as it comes and try as hard as we can to keep in the present. We live day to day and count to 10 when things seem like they are too much. We cherish the moments of clarity and laugh at things we probably shouldn’t. With so much weight on us, some lighthearted dark humor goes a long way. People close to me fear asking about my family situation and I can understand that. “How are you doing?” may seem like a simple question but to us it as complex as it gets.

A part from the family drama, my depression reared its ugly head big time this year. I felt worthless and polarized by defeat. The abrupt end of my last job left its scars deep. Depression is an exhausting condition. To me it feels like learning to surf. You try as hard as you can to get up on that board and just when you make it and try to stand up, a huge wave knocks you underwater. Some days I had to force myself to get out of bed and look for work.

Through all this darkness a light sparked for me over the summer. I got involved with an organization with a mission that spoke to my soul. I took a job mostly out of necessity that somehow blossomed into a passion. Camp EDMO is a non-profit on a mission to help raise curious, courageous and kind kids. Their camps and after school programs instill STEM skills and foster social, emotional, and intellectual intelligence in all children. In a time where our country feels divided and uncertain, investing in our future (our children) and working with like-minded individuals is the best way to fight back. I have never been so proud to start a full-time position with any organization!

So, screw you 2018, I am starting a new chapter. One filled with hope, life, and love. I am thankful for all the folks that supported me through this hard year (you know who you are). I know this new year will be challenging but I am certain that at least some of those challenges will be good ones. Stay tuned to hear more…

California is burning!

It’s 3 am and there’s a faint knocking on my door. I hear it through a sleepy haze. I pull myself out of bed, nearly trip on my two kittens and make my way to my apartment door. When I get there, I hear Peggy my neighbor saying, “Rachel, please wake up you need to get your kittens and get out of here. This place is burning!” As I open the door my senses are overwhelmed. There’s heavy smoke in the air, I hear sirens and what sounds like an explosion. I see Peggy, have a short conversation with her and shut the door. I am overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and a little frozen by fear. I grab my phone and call my family, waking them up. I pack a bunch of useless things in a bag, grab my 5-month-old kittens, and run to my car. The smoke is heavy and it almost looks like fog. I turn on my car and go. As I make my way to the highway, I am in a daze. There's a steady flow of traffic for 3:30 am in the morning. As I drive away from Santa Rosa and the Tubbs fire, I see a car on the side of the highway on fire. It feels like Armageddon.

I was lucky. Most folks I know were lucky. So many others were not. Businesses and neighborhoods less than a mile from me were burned to the ground. Over a year later, that night and that awful October week still haunts me.

Now it’s happening again. My beautiful love, California, is burning. My heart breaks for all those in the mist of this madness now. We pray for containment and fast. The Camp Fire is said to be the size of Atlanta. It's already the deadliest and most destructive in state history. Forty-eight people are dead and over 6,500 homes have burned to the ground and this beast is not contained. Fire is unpredictable and hops kind of like tornados. The Woolsey Fire in Los Angeles and Ventura counties and the Hill Fire in Ventura County rage on. 

When the fires hit last year, I was at a low point in my life. I had just left my job and was starting to fall back into depression. I am so grateful that I had a place to go and people to look after me, while I waited to hear about my home. I hope that those in need will find the same care I did. California may be burning but her spirit is strong and her people kind.

If you’re looking to help and donate please go here.

A store .5 miles from my Santa Rosa apartment.

We’re impressed by your background…BUT

Breaking into a different industry is hard at any age and stage in your career, even when you have those transferable skills. What’s hard to swallow is rejection but even worse is inauthentic rejection. I spent the last six years of my life in the market research and consumer insights world. I know consumers better than I know myself. I know them in all shapes and sizes and I understand and empathize with them. After all, consumers are just people like you and me and they are human. If advertising and marketing executives understood human nature, they would be able to sell those humans a ton of more shit they don’t need.

After years in this industry all I want to do now is use my knowledge about human nature to do good things. Things like making sure all employees are set up for success in their jobs and find happiness and balance at work. I want to create an environment where humans enjoy coming to work and are productive and efficient. I’m trying to break into the HR world and remind folks that HR actually stands for HUMAN resources. I’m also not looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. I know HR is not all puppy dogs and ice cream. It’s a challenging world where you need to balance your empathy with cold hard facts and lots of data.

I’ve been looking for work for a couple of months now and the rejections that sting the most come from the very department I hope to be part of. If you’re applying for a job, chances are many others are vying for that same job. It’s just common sense. The best companies tell you in an auto response after you apply that very thing. They thank you and tell you lots of qualified applicants are applying and state that if your background fits their needs, you’ll hear from their HR department. That is the right and human way to handle the situation. It’s exactly how I would handle things if some smart company hired me. The wrong way to do things is to send someone an automated email (sometimes weeks later) that says, “Thanks for your interest in whatever role you applied for at whatever company. Although your background is impressive, we have decided to move forward with a few other candidates who are a better fit for the role. We wish you the best in your job search and keep in touch!” Don’t say your impressed by my resume and background. If that were true,  I would have made it to round 2. Don’t wish me luck in my search. This is not Vegas, although lately it feels like the house always wins. Don’t encourage me to apply to other jobs with you, so you can deny me more than once. Don’t use an explanation point after you told me I was not good enough to move onto the next round of interviews.

If I were on the recruitment team at that company I would treat all applicants in the most human way possible. I’m not gonna name names but the most ironic unnecessary rejection I got was from a company who claims to help folks find work. That is their product. 

Please follow me on my journey to find the right “fit” for me. I promise to always be authentic and say what I mean.